Have You Hugged Your (Inner) Child Today?

I heard a standup comic once commenting on those “Baby On Board” signs. (I just saw one of those signs the other day.) The comic said, “What’s the purpose of those signs? If my car’s careening out of control and I see one of those signs on the car I’m about to crash into, am I supposed to say, “Oh, I can’t hit that car. I better smash into this van full of nuns!”

I always look upon those “Baby On Board” signs as something like a birth announcement: Hey everybody! I’ve just had a baby! And I’m so happy! I want you to share in my joy!

There used to be a bumper sticker that was very popular years ago: Have you hugged your child today?

My question is: Have you hugged your (inner) child today? Psychologists tell us that your inner child can mean one of two things. On the one hand, your inner child is your playful side. So hugging your inner child is embracing your child-like qualities. On the other hand, hugging your inner child is when you look back on the child you were many years ago and you hug that child, particularly if you had a traumatic childhood and that child needs to be hugged and healed.

I overheard a young teenage girl the other day at JP’s coffee house. She told her friends that her mom used to call her a brat, but now her mom refers to her as a different B-word, a B-word that rhymes with witch. My jaw dropped. Yikes!

Now, maybe her mom was just “kidding around” – we can only hope. But who says that about their own teenage daughter, even in jest? In 10 years, when that girl is walking on South Division in Grand Rapids, looking for “customers,” I wonder if mom will have “absolutely no idea” what made her daughter do that. (Hopefully, that’s not where that girl will end up.)

I read a book a few months ago called, “Severe Attachment Disorder in Childhood,” by Niels Peter Rygaard. According to the book, Severe Attachment Disorder, or SAD, affects perhaps 1 in 20 children. It’s seen in Russian children raised in orphanages, who aren’t touched much at all, but it’s also seen in children in America who lack a loving touch, appropriate affection and encouraging words from their parents. SAD can result in personality disorder, addiction, depression, suicide and other problems.

Hopefully, one day all parents will understand the importance of hugging their children. And all children will be hugged. Failing that, or in addition to that, perhaps we all have to take it upon ourselves to hug our own inner child, our own hurt side, but also our own playful side. Jesus seemed to understand something like that.

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ Jesus called a child, whom he put among them, and said, ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.’”
In that passage, Matthew 18:1-3, I don’t think Jesus is talking just about heaven in the hereafter; I think Jesus is talking about heaven in the here-and-now. Jesus seems to be encouraging people to be more child-like: innocent, playful perhaps, full of wonder maybe. Jesus appears to be telling us not to take ourselves too seriously; to enjoy life; to have a little fun. That’s the way to reach heaven on earth. Now compare Jesus’ words with those of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:11.

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.”

What a contrast! Jesus is saying, “Become like children.” Paul is saying, “Put an end to childish ways.” (I think that, in a nutshell, is why I like Jesus a little more than I like Paul: Jesus is more playful; Paul is too serious.) Now, don’t get me wrong; many of Paul’s writings are profound. 1 Corinthians 13:1 is simply amazing. “If I speak in the tongues of humans and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” Paul understands love, but I’m not sure he understands children as much as Jesus did; or that Paul understands our own need or necessity to be playful, to be childlike, to not completely grow up. In a similar way, Jim Trelease understands that, too.

Jim Trelease wrote several books about the importance of reading aloud to children. Jim Trelease says, “The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.”

I would amend what Jim Trelease is saying just a little bit. I would say that the prime purpose of being any age is to enjoy being that age – whether you’re 4, 24, 44, 64, 84 or 104. What Jim Trelease is saying, though, is let children be children. Don’t look upon children as little adults. Let them enjoy childhood. Help them enjoy childhood. Who knows, maybe it will even help us to enjoy our (hopefully) never-ending childhood.

The other day I saw live TV coverage of Barack Obama giving the commencement address at the graduation ceremony of Kalamazoo Central High School students. It was an historic event. It’s the first time a president has ever given a commencement address at a high school. President Obama told the students, “Together as a community, you’ve embraced the motto of this school district: ‘Every child, every opportunity, every time,’ because you believe, like I do, that every child – regardless of what they look like, where they come from, or how much money their parents have – every child who walks through your schoolhouse doors deserves a quality education.“ I liked his speech, but I liked what happened after his speech even more.

I noticed that several students, after they received their diploma, when they got the opportunity to shake hands with the president, that many of them did, but some of them did not. Instead they gave him a hug. It was interesting to see how much closer a hug seemed to bring the president and the students than just a handshake. Touching someone is more meaningful to them. At least with most people.

Many years ago, I worked for Channel 8 news in Grand Rapids, the NBC affiliate. At that time, “St. Elsewhere” was a popular drama on NBC. One of the stars of that show was Howie Mandel. One day, Howie Mandel visited our station. One of our news producers shouted, “Howie Mandel is in our newsroom!” More recently, Howie Mandel was the host of “Deal or No Deal” and a judge on “America’s Got Talent.” I saw him a month ago being a judge on “Marriage Ref.” A couple of his fellow judges touched him, as a joke, because apparently he hates being touched.

Howie Mandel is what’s called a germaphobe. He doesn’t want to be touched for fear of coming into contact with germs. He hates it when people touch him. I had a seminary classmate like that.

She wasn’t a germaphobe, she just didn’t like being touched. In seminary, during chapel, she didn’t want to take part in the passing of the peace. She didn’t want to shake hands; she certainly didn’t want to be hugged. At least not back then.

At our recent 5-year reunion, she was there. I said “Hi” to her, but hesitated even shaking hands with her, because I knew she didn’t like to be touched. She chuckled and told me she’s been a pastor for 5 years (where shaking hands, hugging and being hugged is almost a job requirement), so now she said hugging is okay with her. So I joyfully hugged her.

I interned at a church once where the pastor told me that they don’t do a passing of the peace, because many of the people there didn’t want to even acknowledge the existence of the person sitting next to them, let alone shake hands with them or – God forbid – hug them.

I call churches like that Elliott Ness churches, because they’re filled with: The Untouchables. I never want Interfaith Congregation to become like that; that’s why we do a passing of the peace. I never thought of this before, but maybe we also do it because in these days of Facebook “friends,” where you communicate with many people, but rarely if ever come in contact with them, we’re in need of human touch. Maybe we don’t need to just hug our own inner child, maybe we need to hug the inner child of the people sitting next to us.

During this past school year, I read to my wife’s grandsons’ Kindergarten and 2nd Grade classes, or they read to me. I’m called Opa, which I think means grandpa in Dutch. A month or so ago, after school, we picked up her grandsons. As we were walking up to the school, all the students were outside. I kept hearing, “It’s Opa!” “There’s Opa!” “Hi Opa!” That was neat. On the last day that I visited their classes a couple weeks ago, I had all the kids give me a group hug, which turned into individual hugs. That was neat too.

I got to thinking. It seems to me that the job of parents, grandparents and great-grandparents, the job of schools, the job of churches and the job of each one of us is surprisingly similar. The job of parents, grandparents and great-grandparents is to nurture their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren in body, mind and spirit. (If body, mind and spirit sounds a little too new-agey for you, then how about: physically, mentally and emotionally.) The job of schools is to nurture students in body, mind and spirit. The job of churches is to nurture people – inside and outside their walls, as much as possible - in body, mind and spirit. The job of each one of us is to nurture others (to the extent that we can) and to nurture ourselves in body, mind and spirit. Perhaps the easiest way to begin doing that (respecting people’s boundaries, of course) is by giving them - and ourselves – a hug. Have you hugged somebody today? Have you hugged your (inner) child today? If so, will you do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next?